Do you have the impression that you are only yelling at your children and want to change things, without knowing how to achieve it? A parenting expert gave professional advice to defuse the most tense situations, without going through the “nervousness” box.

This is a situation that happens in many families: the children argue, they are asked to calm down once, twice … or even three or four times, without success. We ask them to tidy up their rooms on numerous occasions, but it remains desperately in a mess… It is then that we get carried away and start shouting at them. What does not help matters: parents and children end up angry, energized and it is their relationship that takes a hit!

Stop yelling at kids in 3 steps

For a parenting coach, it is quite possible to be heard by children without shouting … provided you have the right tools and think upstream about what pushes us to get out of our gongs! The expert suggests that we take the path in three stages, to defuse moments of tension and prevent them from ending in cries and tears.

1. Understand why we yell

According to the expert, to stop yelling at your children, you first have to understand why it comes to this: “The life of a parent is quite stressful. We have to manage education, the physiological and emotional needs of the children, the requirements of professional life, the daily life of the house… All of this puts us under tension and generates a lot of stress, especially when the days are long. So in addition, we have to repeat the same thing 5 times without being heard, to act as the arbiter between the children who are arguing, to be in front of a child who does not want to do his homework, our stress gauge has reached its limit. maximum level and you just end up going wild and screaming! In fact, we ‘just’ built up too much stress ”.

2. List what is stressing you

The more sources of stress we have on a daily basis, the more likely we are to quickly get angry with children. According to the expert, it is even something very human! “Becoming aware of this mechanism is the first step if you want to try to shout less at your children. Highlighting the link between our stress and our nervousness will allow us to understand that if we want to stop shouting at our children, we must above all take care of ourselves and our stress gauge ”. The less stressed you will be, the more you will be able to reason with yourself and avoid yelling at your children when you are faced with moments of tension and / or incomprehension. To do this, the coach invites us to take a step back and list what “feeds” our stress gauge. A list that will be different for each parent, even if we find some common factors in families. For example:

  • Being late for school and work in the morning
  • The accumulation of things to do during the day
  • Fatigue accumulated during the day and night
  • Children’s behavior 
  • Sound pollution
  • The disorder
  • Too high a mental load
  • The bickering within the siblings
  • Relational and / or financial difficulties
  • Have a non-supporting spouse
  • Having problems at work

3. List the resources at your disposal

After identifying what generates stress, the second step is to list the resources at our disposal to reduce it. To achieve this, the expert invites us to ask ourselves the following question: “How can I use my resources and my solutions to reduce my stress?” For example:

  • The hour of yoga, reading or sport that we allow ourselves every day or every week
  • A well-structured organization that helps us to stress less
  • A friend who can be called and who listens to us with kindness
  • Relatives who can take over to take care of the children
  • The hugs offered by your loved ones
  • The good times spent with family
  • Various leisure activities (walking, painting, etc.)
  • Psychological sessions or with a coach

By drawing on these kinds of resources, we can more easily take a step back from the difficulties that we often face as a parent. The whole thing is to learn to control your emotions and to try to act instead of reacting.

But stress isn’t the only thing we need to work on. “Stress is very communicative, which is why I advise you to also think about everything that can stress your children and on the resources that can be offered to them so that their stress decreases too. As we know, a difficult child is a child who is stressed, tired and / or whose needs – physical and / or emotional – have not been met ”.

4. Manage impulsivity

But sometimes, even being as zen as possible, in an oppressive situation you can still lose your means … and start screaming. To stem this impulsive reaction, the parenting expert suggests creating an “anti-stress” action that will allow us to lower the tension as soon as it sets in. “I advise the parents that I accompany to test several things in order to know what will do them good: to do some yoga postures, to pose and to do breathing exercises, to write our physical sensations on a piece of paper, to put the arms in the air, dancing… We can even sing about the situation, for example: ‘I see my children arguing and it gets on my nerves, what am I going to do?’ All while singing, rather than screaming. So of course, said like that, it may seem crazy … But in real life, it works great! It makes children laugh but also parents, and it defuses tensions ”.

I tried not to yell, but i couldn’t achieve

Of course, you can’t control your reactions overnight. If, despite all your good will, you still cry out, don’t give up !. The expert reassures us by reminding us that while some tools work to learn to control stress or anger, we should not ignore this completely natural feeling. “When that happens, chances are you’ll feel guilty and think ‘damn, I failed’. A word of advice: do not suppress your nervousness and welcome it… Being a parent means failing many times! What will be important then is to talk about what happened with your child, but only when the situation is calm ”.

To do this, the expert advises us to start the discussion by asking the child a question and letting him speak. “I yelled at you and I know it wasn’t pleasant for you. How did you feel about things? ”. It will then be a question of welcoming his emotions, without taking things personally. Once he has expressed himself, you can then do it too, trying to find, together, how we can “fix” what has happened in order to start a peaceful relationship. For example, you can ask your child to do a small activity together: a cooking time, a walk, a board game, a puzzle, etc.

The power of hugs

The expert would also like to draw our attention to the incredible power of hugging: “Cuddling is one of the best ways to ease tension and reduce stress. When we cuddle, our body secretes oxytocin, also called the hormone of well-being, which will act as a real natural calming … It is therefore a very good method to repair a difficult moment that we lived with her child ”.

Image source: Getty Images

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