Although we love our parents very much, the comment “You are already like your parents!” not like to hear. Why can we be so annoyed with this remark? And is it true that we really become just like our parents?
Sure, we are very similar to our parents just optically. Mama’s nose and brown curly hair, we also inherited facial expressions and laughter from father. But not only that. At some point around 30 we suddenly have to realize that we, who used to want to do everything so differently from our parents, are also behaving more and more like our parents.
Suddenly you find yourself telling your friend the same things that your mother used to do. “Don’t drink from the bottle.” “Turn off the light when you go.” You clean up after your partner, cherish him and worry about him and get upset about it at the same time.
When exactly did that happen? Weren’t you just the rebellious teenager who always found exactly these sentences from his parents so incredibly stupid? Didn’t you want to be different? Deeply relaxed and easy going with everything? I certainly didn’t want to mutate into starting to teach my friend that an aired shower curtain smells less musty than a crumpled one.
Still it happens. If you have children yourself, you have to admit that you are following in their parents’ footsteps with great precision. You warn your own child that they shouldn’t cram so many sweets into them and at the same time you think to yourself: “That sounds somehow familiar …”
3 factors shape us particularly
It is hardly surprising that our behavior is similar to that of our parents or legal guardians. On the one hand, of course, because we are genetically similar to them. Because scientific studies have shown that our genes say in the development of our personality in large parts.
But then there is also the environment in which we grow up, i.e. our family or other legal guardians . Because the environment in which we grow up also has a decisive influence on our behavior. Just as our children copy their behavior from us, our parents were also our role models. Nobody has shaped us as strongly as our mother and father. “. Because the environment in which we grow up also has a decisive influence on our behavior. Just as our children copy their behavior from us, our parents were also our role models. Nobody has us like that strong shaped like our mother and father. ” Nevertheless, both genetically and through their role model function, our parents are an enormously influential factor for every child that we find difficult to evade. And whether we want to or not, we notice more or less in the course of our livesThis concerns attitudes, automatic behavior, but also how we deal with feelings and closeness, “says the psychotherapist Dr. Silvia Dirnberger-Puchner, who wrote a book on the subject.
Nevertheless, there is a third influencing factor, namely the contacts, that shape us outside of the family , for example friends, role models such as teachers or trainers or good or bad experiences that we had to make and that have shaped us.
Nevertheless, our parents are an enormously shaping factor for everyone both genetically and through their role model function Child, whom we find it difficult to evade, and who, whether we like it or not, is more or less noticeable in the course of our lives.
A copy of the mother?
As long as we are younger and our lives are fundamentally different from those of ‘adults’, we don’t really notice these parallels. However, as soon as we get older and our life is no longer so strikingly different from that of our parents due to a steady relationship, a job and our own children, we notice: We have taken over our mother’s security thinking, we also have a home loan and savings contract and are thinking about buying a house after.
In a survey by the English online portal Netmums, the vast majority of women said that they had become more and more similar to their own mother from around the age of 32. Ticks, rituals or certain formulations – hardly a woman who couldn’t think of something in common with her own mother.
Too bad that we not only adopt the positive qualities from our parents, but also the bad ones. Anyone who has always been bothered by the fact that their parents do not have a real culture of argument and that many problems are sweeping under the carpet must be aware that their behavior in conflicts was also shaped by their parents. After all, in an argument you react quite intuitively and without thinking too much and then we usually automatically take the path that we have been shown half our life.
The brain, a creature of habit
Guilt is our brain, the old creature of habit. It ensures that we do certain things automatically without thinking about it. Simply because we ‘always did it that way’. In living together with our parents, patterns are exemplified and shown to us. We save these and so patterns and structures develop in our brain, which we use to orient ourselves in life and which determine our actions. ” Stored in the nerve cells, regular trails are formed over the years by recurring patterns of action, ” explains Dr. Dirnberger-Puchner.
But don’t worry. We won’t inevitably become a miniature version of our mother. Dr. Dirnberger-Puchner says: ” Every person is unique and incredibly rich in skills. ” In her book, she explains how you can understand and accept your parental roots, but also how you can actively change your life at the same time.
If you want to do things better or differently than your parents, you should start with the most important point, according to the expert: ” We first have to understand why we react the way we react. Understanding the history of the origins is the most important. “
Step two : One should on the one hand recognize and appreciate the inherited behavior, but also consider whether there are some that are more of a hindrance to one’s own life. Because what doesn’t fit, you can definitely try to change. Namely by considering alternative courses of action. For example, those who have never learned to say ‘no’ at home and therefore always fall short on the job should work on shedding their habitual behavior.
Of course, behaviors that the brain has once saved cannot be changed overnight. This can sometimes take years. But seriously: Fortunately, our mother and father also have many good qualities. So you should honestly ask yourself: “Is it really that bad if I become a little like my mother?”
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